My Experiences Within Motherhood, & my Attempts to Maintain a Personal Life Outside of It.

My experiences within motherhood and my attempt to maintain a personal life outside of it.
...Here I record my own self discipline: My commitment not to "let myself go". My promise to seek my God and follow my passions.
My attempt to do so despite and amidst the chaos of chasing around my high-energy kids while learning the French culture...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

It's time to take my song back!

Not long ago, during some casual conversation with my husband, John said something that caught me off guard:  

"You don't sing anymore."

The phrase just hung there.  The accusation hit me like a punch to the stomach. ...I don't sing anymore?!  But I couldn't tell him he was wrong.  I really don't sing much anymore.  

Anyone who has known me at all beyond the last three years would be very aware of the appalling nature of this statement.  Those who know me well would be doubtful of its truth.  In my youth, I was a person who practically made my living out of singing.  I had been involved in choir throughout high school, studied singing in private voice lessons for over thirteen years, I almost majored in vocal performance, and I have participated in a variety of worship teams over the last eight to ten years.  If anyone knew anything about me, it was that I was a singer!  ...And yet, I couldn't deny John's statement.  My everyday life is not filled with music and song in the way it once so frequently was.  I can still say that I love to sing, but I'm not humming a tune through my day or belting out ballads at any given moment, which once was a very regular occurrence for me.

So the conversation haunted me for a number of weeks.  Where has my music gone?  How could I, of all people, not be singing?  Has the daunting job of housewife, mother, and homemaker really stolen the song right off my lips?  Perhaps this was the painful truth of the matter.  Joyful music has been replaced with mundane routines, exhaustion, and redundant preschool television theme songs (not the kind of music I really want to be singing throughout the day... I get enough of them already!).  
Next thing I know, I've found myself right back to why I started blogging in the first place:  Being a full-time mom, though wonderful, has the tendency take me on such an altering journey that I lose my sense of self.  I think this happens to the best of us.  That is why we hear of those women who have "let themselves go".  The priority of children has mom putting herself on the bottom of the priority list.  It isn't long before pajamas are our daily uniform, the make up drawer goes untouched, and we start getting our meals from fast food and the freezer isle.  I promised myself I wouldn't become that person.  Yes, some days it's okay to take a break and wear pj's or have quick easy meals, but may that never become the norm in this household.  I want to live life with more fullness than that.  I want to honor the person that God has created in me by taking on life with both arms open.  And in doing so, it ultimately benefits far more than just myself,  I do it also as a model to my children.  I want my kids to take pride in themselves as well.  They will only learn that from the day to day life that I portray to them during their childhood.
That being said, this all has motivated a change in my everyday perspective.  John often tells me that one of the reasons he fell in love with me was for my infectious optimism.  Unfortunately, the wear and tear of my day to day seems to sometimes soak up all that positive thinking far too much of the time. It's time to take my song back!
Prayerfully moving forward,  I'm seeking Holy Spirit strength to reclaim my song.  It's time to wake up in the morning and look forward to each wonderful, tiring, busy, and exciting part of it.  Why? -- because my Savior gave me breath today, and I'm fortunate enough to have the delight of my children's faces and the tender love of my husband.  That's enough to sing about by itself, and my life's blessings don't stop there!  Thankfully, that's part of why I have this blog -- to record and remind myself of life's little blessings.  
...They are all a part of Finding Me


The Happs said...

You are and always have been so inspirational. Your honesty and transparency is a rare, beautiful gem in this world. Thank you for speaking to the souls of moms. I'm totally with you, and will prayerfully walk with you fervently. I love you sis-in-Christ.

Cheryl said...

Praying that music can be a fun, enjoyable, and rewarding thing for you again-- and that God will give you wisdom with how to respond to Charity.
Lily started throwing a fit when she saw me teaching a piano lesson. Not ok. It hurt and scared me so bad! I know how painful it is to see them not enjoying it at times, but I pray that it can be soon. Maybe try a Kindermusik class with her (and Baby's welcome too!) so she can see other kids and parents interacting with music TOGETHER and it could become a positive thing again for her and you! Love you lots-- and God does have wonderful plans for you and your voice, and your family too!